By Kevin Wilson
It’s been a long time since I’ve gone on a rant, and I think it’s about time to end the drought.
Why, you ask?
See, I’ve got this problem. No matter what I say or do, someone tries to make it political. Invariably, they pick an epithet for me, one that, to their sensibilities, is the most vile thing they can think of. And, invariably, they’re wrong. It’s not enough to call me a libtard or a fascist or whatever the fuck the insult of the day is, they have to go and stick the wrong label on me, and it’s fucking annoying.
I don’t mind a spot of name calling from time to time, I really don’t. I usually take it as a sign that I’ve made my point, and the only recourse the other guy has is to resort to playground rules. Sick burn, brotato, I bet you’re just the coolest kid in the sandbox.
I take exception, however, to getting insulted for shit I don’t actually believe or have never said. I mean, c’mon, my political views are a jumbled mishmash held together by baling wire and misanthropy. There’s plenty to make fun of without having to break out insults older than my dead grandma’s kickstarting dildo. You could always attack the glaring inconsistencies, or the- no, you just called me a snowflake again. Well fuck you very much.
In the interest of saving everyone the trouble, I’m going to go ahead and outline exactly what it is I believe, which causes I support or don’t support, and so on. In the future, kindly refer to it before whipping out whatever bullshit insult your tired, tiny, lonesome little brain cell decides is best.
First of all: liberals? Fuck ‘em. I don’t have time for the whiny, egotistical self flagellation that has become the calling card of the Democratic Party. Jesus fuck, I don’t care how many genders you want to claim there are. Hell, I’m happy that gay marriage is now a thing, and I’m a pretty big fan of the continued fight for equal rights for women and minorities, because there’s still work to be done in both departments. If you weren’t so intent on cocking it up by alienating potential allies because they aren’t ideologically pure it’d probably be a lot easier, but hey, what the fuck do I know, right? Apparently not much, because I’m just a gun toting white guy who couldn’t possibly understand that there’s inequality in the world thanks to my glaringly white penis.
You want to legalize pot? Outfuckingstanding. The War on Drugs is a failure, and the quicker we stop pouring money into it, the better. But here’s a question: if you can see plain as day that one sort of prohibition isn’t working, what the fuck makes you think another kind will do any better? Leave the Second Amendment alone, you sanctimonious pricks. It’s there for a goddamn reason. You know that whole “Trump is Literally Hitler” thing you all have been on about for the last two freaking years? Yeah, that’s why. If he’s actually Hitler, the Founding Fathers were quite clear that the People ought to have the arms and training to rise up and put him down. So maybe stop trying to ban guns, because it won’t work and one day you might be glad we’ve got them.
Oh, and conservatives? You motherfuckers can go straight to hell. The vast majority of the Republican Party can surf a piece of plywood straight up Satan’s asshole for all I care. Small government, fiscally responsible my ass. Y’all are just as intent at driving up the deficit and expanding the power of the Federal government as the Democrats, only you’re half as honest about it. Oh, and I don’t care how many times you blast God Bless the USA at rallies or how many American flag pins you wear. Most of you still view the troops as little more than political coin to be spent on drumming up a few extra votes. You could at least try to be a little more subtle about it, but I guess subtle is a bit of an ask from the party that thought Trump would make a good Commander in Chief.
Oh, and what’s with the hard on for getting rid of “welfare”? Most of you window licking sons of bitches don’t have the faintest fucking idea what sort of assistance the government actually provides. The sort of rampant abuse you go on about just isn’t there. I’m sure there are folks defrauding the system for all it’s worth, but there are plenty more who are just trying to make ends meet and need a little help at the end of the month. I’m as much a fan of capitalism as the next fellow, but I know enough to realize that in any system that allows people to do well, there are going to be folks at the lower end who struggle. It’s practically built in. There’s no reason we can’t give them a hand, if for no other reason than to make sure their kids have a fighting chance to reach for more than their parents had.
Christ, I could go on for ages, but I don’t have the patience for it, and frankly I doubt any of you do either. You know what? Fuck it. I’m hereby announcing the formation of the Contrarian Party, where we don’t like you or your stupid face. Our goal is to stick a giant middle finger up to all the hypocrisy and bullshit that the primary, secondary, and tertiary parties are so intent on slinging. Motto: Get Off My Lawn. Maybe if we give Clint Eastwood an empty chair to rant at, he’ll sit there holding a shotgun and we can use him as the mascot.