End the Madness: End Car Rants

By Kevin Wilson

On the whole, I consider the fact that Americans are more politically aware now than just about any point in our history to be a good thing. These are strange times we live in, and now more than ever, it’s important that we stay informed. It’s unfortunate that the glut of information has led people to be more hidebound and stubborn than ever before, but hey, baby steps.

The advent of social media has given Americans, and people the world over, a near limitless platform to discuss important topics. It’s not uncommon to see folks who live on the opposite sides of the globe discuss things like foreign policy or Game of Thrones with complete strangers, people who they will never meet in person, and who, a hundred years ago, they would have never even considered the existence of.

Naturally, there are plenty of folks who use this platform to spew all kinds of vile crap all over the face of the Internet, because if there’s one thing that humans are good at, it’s being shitty. If you ever want to completely lose faith in the human race, do a quick google search of your favorite topic, then dive into the comments section of the first article you run across.

Hell, someone ran an article about how the impending solar eclipse was going to be best viewed mostly from counties that voted Republican, and after a few minutes reading the comments, I was kinda hoping Trump really would open up some of those death camps that liberals have been wailing about ever since he took office. I’ve no more love for the man than I do the average herpes blister, but Jesus Christ on a crutch, you can’t help but hope they’re hiring after reading some of this shit.

There’s one bizarrely specific form of commentary that’s really started to get on my nerves as of late, however.

Picture, if you will, a man. He is a manly man, with a beard and sunglasses of a manly variety. Occasionally, he wears a hat, with some suitably manly logo emblazoned across the front. He sits alone in his car, parked, but with his seatbelt on, because safety first, I guess. Mounted to his dash is his phone, being used as a camera. And, while the world watches, he rants.

And we, the viewing public, are left to wonder the odds that they’d survive if their mothers were gifted with a condom and a time machine.

Before we go further, let me just say that I’m all for people using social media as a platform for airing their views on life, the universe, and everything. What once was the premier means of sharing videos of cats doing funny things has become the premier platform for political discussion in America, and that’s not a bad thing.

But for whatever reason, the guys who find themselves attracted to the car rant video format are some of the strongest cases for post-birth abortion that I’ve ever encountered.

It’s not enough that most of them are profoundly inarticulate, though rest assured, they are. Between the stumbling over words, the overuse of monosyllabic filler like “um” and “yeah”, the long pauses as they struggle to come up with their next sentence, and the broken record style phrase looping, it’s a masterclass in what not to do in front of a camera. Pro tip: if you’re going to try to narrate something, it helps to have a script. Write down your thoughts beforehand, because the ability to improvise any sort of speech is born through years of hard work and practice. Nearly no one does it well without practice.

That, however, is not as bad as what they’re actually trying to say, when they manage to string two or more words together in something that an English teacher would begrudgingly admit bears a passing resemblance to a sentence.

The mad, incoherent, rambling logic trains that they gift upon the world are exercises in concentrated what the fuckness. Trying to comprehend their thought process is like trying to smell the color 9. At no point in any of these videos have I ever suspected that these people made it through childhood without the help of helmets and shorter than average school buses. The reason we haven’t heard from aliens is probably because they found these videos and concluded that there’s no intelligent life on planet earth.

If I didn’t know better, I’d suspect these guys were part of some sort of secret society using code to communicate plans for world domination. It’d make a whole hell of a lot more sense than the actual content of the videos. 

No one political party has a lock on the crazy. I’ve seen them from Republicans, Democrats, Libertarians, hell, even one guy who I’m pretty sure voted for Barney the Dinosaur in the last election. It’s surreal how so many people from across the political spectrum can make the same dumbass video over and over again, without the least bit of self awareness that they look like the result of parents who drank, smoked, and dropped some seriously bad acid while they were expecting.

Ladies and gentlemen, please, I beg of you. If you’re going to share your political opinions on social media, do so in a sane, responsible manner. Write articles, share memes, hell, even make videos. But whatever you do, don’t make a video of yourself ranting to an empty car. Down that path lies madness.




Kevin Wilson is an artilleryman in the North Carolina National Guard. His hobbies include reading, writing, and looking down on Star Trek fans. He also enjoys whiskey and long walks on the beach, so long as they don't actually involve long walks or beaches. You can follow him on Twitter @gatling216 but we really wouldn't advise it.

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